May 2002
1st May: Words that graced Demento’s lips, I’m sure. Wait, I’ve got the clipping here………“we were in total command”………“Bayer were lucky to score”……… “too much injury time”……… “four clearances off the line”………“we are as good as any side in Europe”…… ……“and the best side in England”… ……no, actually I was wrong. It’s the same old shite.
1st May: Weird signals about West Ham’s Michael Carrick. One paper says that Newcastle are after the lad (born in the NE) but Roeder says he’s not for sale: “I know Freddie Shepherd – he likes a Geordie manager, a Geordie skipper, a Geordie coach” – aye, and a big fat Amsterdam slapper. Then the Echo says we’re after him and a swap deal with Barmby is hinted at. “NICK THE BAIT”, it says. Personally, I wouldn’t use Barmby as bait in the Leeds-Liverpool, but that’s what it says here. And when has a newspaper ever got it wrong?
2nd May: Steve Curry, the notorious Manc arselicker, says that it’s a great shame Fergie couldn’t sign Di Canio: “the Italian would have given United’s Champions League ambitions extra impetus”. I think Babbel would have done the same for us, but where was the article speculating on our “missed opportunity”? Not in the Mail, that’s for damn sure. They should make their minds up. Only yesterday they were tutting about Ferguson’s repeated personal phone calls to players (especially Di Canio) trying to get them to sign up – including this breathtaking piece of arrogance: “We wanted to sign Owen (at 11 or 12), but we couldn’t meet his father’s requirements so he signed for Liverpool”. Yeah, that’s the only reason anyone would come here, right? Things have certainly gone downhill for Michael ever since.
2nd May: Wenger is right back in ’98 double-chasing, Fergie-baiting mode. Coolly contemptuous of Demento’s claims that United are still the best, Wenger comes up with the classic “everyone thinks they have the prettiest wife” – well, everyone except Richard Madely.
3rd May: A trophy-less season is slowly sending Ferguson round the bend…………that should be “further round”, shouldn’t it? Under the heading “Final Turns Fergie Blue”, he tips Chelsea for the FA Cup because “their form has come good at the right time”. Hmm, yeah. Arsenal’s 345 wins in a row isn’t an indication of form, then? Or your 3-0 stroll at Stamford Bridge (when Chelsea’s ‘performance’ matched ours in December). Amazingly, that isn’t the biggest load of bullshit in today’s papers. The Echo has a huge headline “WE’VE GOT 5 NEW PLAYERS IN THE BAG”. And slightly smaller pictures of Biscan, Traore, Vignal, Babbel and Baros. Bit of a cheap trick to sell papers to half-wits, and usually they only try it on Evertonians, but they didn’t catch me out. Oh no. And when Igor becomes a star player, head off down to Bold Street. I’ll be the one with my kecks round my ankles.
4th May: As if Chelsea weren’t hampered enough by Fergie’s endorsement, they’ve also got Mystic Mark’s. He’s even got the brass balls to claim a correct prediction last week: “as I feared, Spurs’ defeat of Liverpool ended their title hopes”. You said it’d be a draw, you lying prick. “It appears third place will be the Reds’ most likely reward………the Gunners will have to be content with a draw at Old Trafford”. Phew.
4th May: In a classic piece of “will this do” journalism, Daveed Prentice writes about the time Chris Evans was linked to Everton. Terry Venables is quoted as saying “we felt it was a good deal as they were valued at only a 5th of Liverpool”. If you were writing a Reds column, would you mention that someone thought we were worth 20% of our most hated rivals? Me neither. Daveeed also calls their ex chairman “Red Johnno”. Horrible thought: is the Devil’s Prentice reading this right now? Shouldn’t sirens be going off or something?
6th May: Is he mellowing? Reading Reds fanzines, now this little beaut: “Describing Everton as the ‘People’s Club’ may not have been absolutely accurate”. Not much of a concession, but if he turns up for work dressed like Dr Fun my spies will let me know.
6th May: Keegan’s Revenge. Ferguson rants at some hack who had the nerve to erm ask a question about Veron. The bile and bad language spew forth: “I’m no fucking talking to you. He’s a fucking great player. Youse are fucking idiots”. Will that be going in your next book? Master of Psychology my arse. Elsewhere in the Mirror, “Football’s No. 1 Expert” writes paragraph after paragraph of glowing epithets about Arsenal’s FA Cup win – not one of which mentions the fact that he tipped Chelsea! Being an expert with no expertise – nice work if you can get it.
7th May: As endearing as ever, Souness chooses the day before a return to Anfield to let the world know that he could have signed Eric Cantona before even Leeds got hold of him. Despite being recommended by Platini (and what would he know about good footballers, eh?), Souness passed because “at that time we didn’t need any more problems”. So he signed Stewart, Piechnik and Kozma instead. And some Reds still wonder where he went wrong. He then has a dig in Gerard’s direction by saying “I don’t consider his season as being a success” – presumably because he didn’t get any money off the Scum for his heart operation.
7th May: All bets are off for “worst headline of the year”. “IT’S FRANC BRUNO” screams the Express, as we sign Bruno Cheyrou. What would be even worse is if some Reds on the Internet get their way – the Kop singing “Chim Chiminee” in honour of our new boy. My step-nan dragged me to see ‘Mary Poppins’ SIX times when I was a kid, and if anyone sings that song you’ll need more than a spoonful of fucking sugar, pal. “Tuppence a bag”? Try singing that in Kensington.
7th May: Since GH returned, Thommo’s been sidelined a bit, but he can still mix it with Le Boss when it comes to talking crap. “When we get to the top, we are going to stay there for many years to come”. I wish Paisley were here, he’d know what to with you after such an idiotic boast. Then he says about tomorrow night: “I’m not bothered about the others”. Hmmm – so ‘not’ bothered that we rearranged our game to clash with theirs?
8th May: How many more excuses are Man U sycophants going to come up with? Rob Shepherd scrapes the barrel with “maybe having it all their own way in England hasn’t helped in the Champions League” – so explain this year’s failure, you doofus. “Wenger achieving the Double might just sharpen United’s senses once more”. So even though Utd can still match their championship points tally of 2001, Arsenal only won the league because of United’s dulled senses! I wish someone would dull Shepherd’s senses – preferably with a mallet.
8th May: More speculation about Kanoute for Anfield. Can’t say I’m that keen, especially as we’ve already got a much better player on board. Anelka scores again during L 4 BLACKBURN ROVERS 3, a game not quite as thrilling as the score suggests. Riise may well be the dog’s testicolos going forward, but at left back he goes to sleep too often. Emile got the winner, so that 90-year contract looks assured. The major bonus from tonight was rising to second place, thanks to Arsenal winning the league in Manchester. Can you please give that Merseyside song a rest now? Whether it justified a (muted) Kop chorus of “1-0 to the Arsenal” is another matter. United’s brazen attempts to kick Arsenal off the park merely compounded their humiliation. Not a bad night’s work!
9th May: Replica managerial straight-jackets – coming to Liver World soon. Gerard gives a bravura “you want some?” press conference performance, the gist of which is “boring, are we? Eh? EH!! Say dat to me face, ya shithouses!”. John Edwards and David Maddock both needed stitches, apparently. One 4-3 does not a Brazil 1970 make. Meanwhile, the England World Cup squad is announced. No Carragher, Murphy only on standby. The news about Carra’s operation is released by LFC after the squad list was released, making Jamie look slightly foolish. Unless we were screwed by Sven. I can see why he’d want Mills to think he was first choice, but it’s a bit snidey not to mention Jamie’s lack of fitness. There’s a great picture in the paper of Eriksson, holding the list up and trying to look optimistic as any man can with a piece of paper that has Mills, Vassell, Bridge, Brown, James, Sheringham and Southgate on it. Wot? No Anderton? And no Andy Cole, so he announces his
international retirement……Jeeves! I need that rifle again.
9th May: And I’ll keep hold of it, as the Blues are desperately trying to breath life into another stiff of a season. It’s Baron Frankenstein you lot need, not Moyes. Prenno is back in full blown Goebbels mode, with a wonderful headline: “Blues cling onto Euro hopes”. Hmmm, Lunn Poly do some marvellous deals nowadays. With an Inter Toto chance slimmer than Kate Moss’ inner child, Everton need 14 results to go their way. Shame there’s only 10 games left. And Dave describes the Sky fee for Saturday’s visit to Highbury as “a cash windfall”. If Liverpool ever do fall, please God let it not be as low as that.
10th May: They all think they’re psychologists, don’t they? Now George Burley is trying it on. “I see Liverpool are saying they’ve already finished second”. Judging by our 6-0 there and their 0-4 half time score at Bolton, it’ll take more than that to wind his players up. Houllier, obviously, goes bananas. “I’m very disappointed in him, he was manager of the year so he has a high profile”. Full marks for keeping the words “God knows how” out of that sentence!
11th May: Fat lot of good those mind games were – maybe we’d have got six if he hadn’t done it? L 5 IPSWICH DOWN 0 wraps the season up nicely. Straight CL qualification, Riise superb, wonderful farewell to Gary Mac – great day all round. Bit unnerving that Babbel didn’t get the two minutes he asked for. Let’s hope it was Houllier’s caution (there’ll be no sub’s place for a passenger when the game matters) rather than Markus’ inability to break into even a mild trot. Fourth in 2000, third in 2001, second in 2002 – next season can’t come soon enough. And can you believe that WE have the best home record in the whole Premiership? Southampton in January seems an awful long time ago now.
12th May: But there are still matters to clear up on this one. One is this idea that we are obsessed with Man U. United love to trot this one out, even when they have to make stuff up. Last night, Clive Tyldsley said “Riise’s only ever scored one goal at Anfield, a free kick against Man United, so good the Kop wrote a song about it”. Really? My mind must be playing tricks with me, because I could’ve sworn that song was heard at Goodison and quite definitely at St James Park – last September. But that’s how sad we are, isn’t it? A goal against United, we must have a song. Jesus. Then some fat hack writes “Are You Watching Manchester? roared the jubilant Anfield hordes”. Actually, if it was sung at all it was muted and booed down. Another bitter tosspot wrote “beating United means all in these parts”. As Arsenal have found out this week, you’re always made to pay for doing better than the chosen ones. We had it for over 20 years – I wouldn’t mind another 20.
12th May: Since Fowler and Owen broke on the scene, Everton have desperately chased their own version – even going so far as to give Michael Branch the number 23 shirt. The latest “New Owen” is a chubby little chap called Wayne, and Moyes has already put a £15m price tag on his ugly, shaven head. Apparently, he is “expected to make as big an impact as Michael Owen”, but by the time it becomes quite clear that he won’t we’ll have forgotten his name and mocked another four or five “new Owen”’s in the meantime. It’s only because Arsenal had the title sown up and they were playing substandard opposition that Jug Ears got a game. When Dwayne is scoring the best goal of the World Cup and scoring hat tricks in Munich, I’ll start listening. Until then, someone order a consignment of Mouth Imodium for Goodison Park.
13th May: Danny Murphy’s on his way to Japan after all, but sadly at the expense of Steven Gerrard. Once he limped off on Saturday, they probably feared the worst. Get him fit during the summer, ready for our new season and few Reds will be complaining but it would have been nice to see him take on the world’s best (and Linderoth). Danny won’t let anyone down, but he’s no Stevie G.
13th May: One line in Chris B’s match report irked me slightly. Part of the Houllier ‘mystique’ is that he rescued us from a fate worse than death, and comments like “the previous 8 years of mostly mediocrity” are designed to help that image. Instead, they just annoy people. For the record (a) Roy’s four full seasons (under current rules) would have seen four consecutive qualifications for the Champions League - something we’re supposed to wet ourselves over when Houllier does it - (b) Roy came closer to the title than Gerard in 1997. Our penultimate game then saw us in with a slight chance of the title still, and not some phoney simultaneous kick-off fiasco. I knew Roy had to go by the end, we all did – but any reference to his years of “mediocrity” have to be jumped on. Flawed or not, Evans is an Anfield hero and he should be treated as such. All the propaganda in the world won’t change that.
14th May: One area where Dwight won’t copy Owen is in winning the Youth Cup almost single-handed. Everton 1 Villa 4 is the sorry result from the Pit, made even funnier by Mooney’s “once a blue” t-shirt, visible once he’d finally managed to pull his jersey over his pendulous breasts. Bets are now being taken over how long “always a blue” mutates into “£15m or nearest offer”. Put me down for six months.
15th May: Seconds out, round one. Yes, it’s the bout you’ve all been waiting for: Vladimir ‘The Terminator’ Smicer versus Tommy Smith. The Iron Man v Taffeta Man. Seems the red-faced scribe is none too taken with our Czech maestro, and Vlad’s finally had enough. After a stamp of his foot (and the ensuing three minutes of treatment), Smicer says “enough’s enough – this continuous criticism hurts”. In fairness, Smithy gave him a ‘fair tackle’ – and they still had to call for a stretcher.
15th May: Valiant effort from Uncle Clive to keep “that marvellous night in the Nou Camp” fresh in everyone’s minds, but in the end it was Zidane’s goal that really made its mark. And full marks to the ITV crew who actually managed to get Wenger, Fergie and Houllier in the same shot. Gerard looked a bit dishevelled – too much hospitality, or had he kept the other two separate just before transmission? He made a rather petty comment about Leverkusen, which confirmed (to me at least) that he hasn’t come back from his illness with a full deck. Let’s hope he chills out in the summer.
16th May: I think we’ve all been a little unfair with David Moyes. What we are actually dealing with is a stand-up comic of true genius. Asked whether he still stuck by the people’s club quote, he said “I believe it even more so now – not just in Merseyside, but I think it’s the club that has supporters all over the country”. Absolutely priceless. “I’ve even heard Liverpool fans say it would be good to have a strong Everton” – stop, stop, you’re killing me. If he starts talking about ‘Mersey Millionaires’, I’m gonna need a respirator.
17th May: We might end up in the same penny pinching boat if the news about the new ground is true. It comes out a week after the season ends – well, at least there’ll be no embarrassing protests on the Kop eh? 55,000 capacity? What is the bloody point of that? The expense of the building will take years to pay back, and ten thousand extra tickets isn’t likely to speed up that process. It’s a clear admission that football’s bubble is about to burst, if it hasn’t already, and claims that all attempts have been made to expand Anfield are just shite. They want their “shiny new ground”, with lots of “hospitality”, in a nice park with no tatty side streets. I’ll give it five years before the new one is in the same state. And for those Liverpool fans who infest Internet forums with bilge like “it’s just a building”, have you no shame? Have you no thoughts of your own – just the suckhole microchip the club implanted in your obsequious brain? This is a bad, bad idea.
18th May: Mixed signals. Houllier says we can’t match United’s chequebook, but then puts the emphasis on finding cheaper alternatives. For every Hyypia and Riise, though, there’s a Diomede or a Biscan. That success rate may have to rise if we’re to compete meaningfully. Then he says “Nicolas Anelka was a good signing”, despite looking like the cat had shit on his strawberries when Nic scored v Ipswich. There are other rumours that Anelka is giving “ultimatums” (ultimata?) and searching for another club – unwise actions in both cases.
18th May: United supporters are getting more bitter by the day. Two Manc tools make fools of themselves about Owen on C4’s 100 World Cup Moments. Terry Christian said he was ashamed to be English when Owen ‘dived’ against Argentina – I’m ashamed to be human whenever I see your smug, putrid features, but you don’t see me whining on television about it. It’s slightly unfortunate for Tel that this morning’s main football news sees Sven slapping one of his players down for saying he would dive for a penalty in the next World Cup. That player? Paul Scholes. Two-faced Mancs? Who woulda thunk it? Still, that’s me – bitter and obsessed.
20th May: Words lie, looks rarely do. That muted celebration of the 5th goal v Ipswich spoke volumes – Anelka is no longer a Liverpool player. So much for being “a good signing”. I’ve been more impressed with him than I cared to admit, but you can’t escape the idea that we just used him to fill in until the end of the season. Maybe Fowler’s departure really did take us by surprise after all? Anelka will get his 60k a week from Man City, and Houllier is saying “we will find the right striker - you can trust me on this”. Camara, Westerveld, Fowler, Anelka, probably Litmanen. I wonder if “trust” is the word that pops into their heads?
21st May: Hey, did you know that Nicolas Anelka had “baggage”? Really? And his brothers aren’t terribly nice, either? Well, that’s news to me. It’s in the Echo tonight, so it must be true. Isn’t it strange, though, that these flaws have only just been discovered………well okay, if it’s such old news then how come Chris Bascombe has never mentioned this once between December and the end of the season? Answer me that, smart arse. I suppose you think it was kept quiet because he was seen as a Houllier coup before, but now that the manager’s got cold feet it’s time to pull out the old stories and destroy any good feelings Liverpool fans have for Anelka - don’t you? Cynic.
21st May: Liverpool getting a break in the courts? It’s that time of the decade again. Steve Gibson is finally told to grow up by Mr Justice Astill. “Ziege had no ‘market value’ as Middlesbrough agreed to a £5.5m clause in his contract”. “Middlesbrough couldn’t expect damages on the supposition that they would have finished higher in the league if he’d stayed” – he must be a Spurs fan!
22nd May: Health dominates today’s news. Danny won’t be going to Japan as he’s broken a bone in his foot. Now Sven can reinstall Trevor Sinclair on his list of world beaters. There’s still hope for Gascoigne at this rate. Sad news about Joey Jones’ heart problems. He’s had his op at Broadgreen and is recovering in intensive care. I suppose we can’t quote The Quote in these PC times, but I’ll bet Houllier is glad he’s not at the hospital now. Get well soon, Joe.
23rd May: Fergie to the rescue! Every morning paper had that headline – either that or “Fergie plea halted Keane walk-out”. And thank God he did, otherwise the rest of us would have been denied the enormous pleasure of seeing Roy Keane kicked out of the World Cup! Such is the level of invective Squarehead spewed at McCarthy, he can only have had a breakdown and thought Mick was a Premier League referee. Lurid rumours about teenage pregnancies and News of the World exclusives are now emerging, but it will probably all boil down to one simple, indisputable fact: Roy Keane is a complete and utter loon, and if he couldn’t play football he would be stalking soap actresses or walking through shopping precincts smelling of sour milk and frightening pensioners.
23rd May: Is the Echo going for some ‘Lewis Carroll Award’ that I’m not been made aware of? The latest carpet-chewing headline is “Blues’ Selling Days Are Over”. Are Evertonians really “fearing” that Thomas Gravesen will be “snapped up”? Three months ago, they wanted his balls on a shish kebab. And your selling days are only over until they can hype Wade up to the £12m mark for some blinkered saps like Leeds or Chelsea.
24th May: It’s not often I say this, but well done Mark Lawrenson. He got the Keane situation down cold in this morning’s Mirror: “looking at the facts, I think Ireland is the place Keane always wanted to be”. Absolutely spot on. Why is this whole thing dragging on and on? Just like the fitness of one English player is also dominating headlines – I needn’t point out the connection. Of course, this being Lawro, we have to have the prediction. “Now there is simply no way out of the group stages for Ireland”. Get down to Ladbrokes before there’s a stampede.
26th May: Even in the pre-WC lull, there’s tons of tripe in the Sundays. Nuno Gomes is once again rumoured to be joining Liverpool. I can’t think of any other player that’s been linked to us more often than he has, but if Gerard thinks that will appease Anelka fans he’ll be disappointed. And just when you thought that nobody could possibly be pro-Keane, step forward Andy Gray. “Colourful language is nothing new in football”. No, but calling your manager a cunt is a new one on me. He wouldn’t have done it to Clough or Jack Charlton and he definitely wouldn’t do it to Ferguson, so spare me the ‘free speech’ rubbish. It was provocative, it was deliberate and it’s produced the desired effect – he’s back home, and people are talking about how he would have played against world class opposition without him having to go out there and actually prove it. He can now let the media machine blow smoke up his arse for two months.
27th May: The end of the domestic season isn’t going to stop Thommo yearning for Emile’s babies. “His critics clearly know nothing about football” – aaaah, the diplomatic approach. I agree with Phil on one aspect, though. “Other players don’t get a thing written about them when they have a bad game”. Which is Kirkby code for ‘worrabout Paul Scholes then, ya biased Manc twats?’.
28th May: Our rivals (of both hues) continue to make horses’ arses of themselves. David Moyes will (it says here) “draw up his transfer hit list after he returns from a World Cup shopping expedition in Japan”. Has Our Gordon suddenly found £50m under Betty’s mattress? Or is it a real hit-list, and is Moyes actually going to kill the opposition’s best stars? The People’s Assassin? Meanwhile, Keane keeps refusing to make the apology that absolutely nobody from McCarthy on down is asking him to make. Squarehead’s return would cause such mayhem that it’s doubtful they could put eleven out – which won’t hinder Ireland, of course, as it was Keane and Keane alone who got them there in the first place. “I feel I’ve earned the respect to have my say” – yep, and then lost it when you called the manager a cunt. But why is this even dragging on? The tournament starts in three days, and Keane made sure he was fired – that way you get your money: book advance, endorsements… ………
29th May: Change of heart or breakdown? What is going on with Dave Prentice? He does a Reds report in which he has to say “Liverpool will join a gathering of the most successful European Cup sides of all time in August” and “the four clubs involved have won the cup more times than any other” – and there isn’t even a hint of snidiness! Maybe he’s doing it in code………let’s try the first letter of every sentence…… …m…u…r…d…e…r… i…n…g…r…e…d… s…h…i… ………aaah. As you were.
30th May: McAteer’s got a column in the ‘Mail’, and the subject inevitably turns to Keane. “I’m sorry he thinks I’ve got a big mouth, but I can live with it. People who know me would say I’m a bubbly personality who likes a laugh and tries to raise people’s spirits. I pretended to trip up getting off the bus the other day” – the long summer evenings must just fly by.
31st May, a.m.: “You won’t be disappointed – you’ve got to trust me”. Famous last words, as Houllier reveals the ‘ace’ up his sleeve – L Reg Doofus or somebody. Who the bloody hell’s he?!? I won’t be disappointed – no, just consumed with apathy. Trust you? As far as I could throw you, you useless boggle-eyed bastard.
31st May, p.m.: Yes! Oh yes! Genius, I’m telling you, laaaa – total genius. Never doubted him for a second. Just quietly swooped and bought The African Footballer of the Year, who’s just torn France apart. That’s what separates the good manager from the god-like manager. Total class, I’ve always said so (continued p.94). In all seriousness, there was a buzz round the pub where I watched the France-Senegal game every time El Hadji Diouf got the ball. If that’s a sign of what’s to come, Houllier has been true to his word. Nicolas who? Salif Diao was quiet but effective, and so the surprise of the World Cup contains two future Reds. Smart work, Gerard – never doubted you ( pack it in – ed). And with the Premier League dropping the limits on non-EU players, we can use more of our stars (and Igor) more often and spread our net wider still. I’ll bet Saudi Arabia have got some good lads…………
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