One Degree Of Clive Thomas
From Issue 46, Spring 2000
Think you can hold your own in a football argument?
Think you can get the better of an Evertonian?
You do? Care for a little wager? Don't boast until
you've played the new bored game. More agonising
than Ker-plunk, more difficult than a Rubik's
Cube, it's
One Degree Of Clive Thomas
The game was invented by Dave Prentice, world-renowned
expert on bent referees and the creator of the
ever-popular 'Moanopoly'. You can play this game
by yourself or with your friends. All you need
is an Evertonian - and, like them, the rules just
couldn't be simpler!
It is based on the American cinema-buff quiz Six
Degrees of Kevin Bacon. This is when you mention
an actor or actress, young old or dead, and try
to connect them by films or other thesbians to
the aforementioned Mr Bacon. The rules for 'One
Degree of Clive Thomas' are the same, only expanded.
You see, it simply isn't enough to mention other
footballers or referees - that's too easy. Imagine
the average blue and how easy they can steer the
conversation back to 21st April 1977. If you are
still in any doubt over the difficulty of this
game, just go up to any Evertonian and tell them
your name actually is Clive. No, he's not having
a fit; it's just the allergic reaction brought
about by 23 years of constantly whinging on and
on and ON about one decision in one game of football.
How to play: 1) gather your friends around a table.
2) find a bluenose. 3) explain to him what a chair
is for and sit him down. 4) simply start up a
conversation amongst your friends. Each contestant
takes a turn to begin speaking about a particular
topic, and as soon as the bluenose manages to
shoehorn the name of 'Clive Thomas' into the conversation
that round is over. The person who comes up with
a topic that stupefies the bluenose into silence
over his 'special subject' wins the game - in
the event of nobody managing this (and the chances
are you won't), then keep a stopwatch handy at
all times. Whoever brought up the subject that
baffles the bluenose the longest (the world record
is about 15 seconds) wins the game.
Tips: obviously, some topics will be too easy
for the bluenose. The words 'Clive' 'Thomas' 'referee'
'Liverpool FC' 'Wembley' 'semi final' 'Welsh'
'Hamilton' 'FA Cup' and 'main road' will be out
of your mouth for a mere nanosecond before the
cells of his brain have short-circuited his fat
gob straight to the words "that bastard Clive
Thomas cost us the FA Cup in 1977". You have
to be far more cunning than that. One contestant
may think he's cracked it by raising the subject
of, say, Michael Caine's new film. You are underestimating
your opponent; "What was that film he was
in? That's it, The Italian Job. The one with all
the minis in. Duncan McKenzie could jump over
a mini in a single leap, y'know. Yeah, did I ever
tell you he played in the semi final when that
bastard Clive Thomas cost us the FA Cup in 1977?".
You have delayed the inevitable by a few seconds.
A nice try, but nowhere near the record.
The beauty of the game is that you can have hours
of fun at an Evertonian's expense, and he will
not even begin to cotton on to what you're doing.
The box comes with stopwatch, scorecards, and
rulebook. Remember, you have to try and find a
certain kind of blue before you start the game.
If you end up with one of those Winslow retards
who simply shouts "that bastard Clive Thomas
cost us the FA Cup in 1977", even when he's
being asked if he'd like a drink, or (even worse)
if you end up with the Everton correspondent of
the local paper, then you're not going to have
a very long or stimulating game.
'One Degree of Clive Thomas' is brought to you
by the same people who made One Degree Of Heysel
andOne Degree Of That Redshite Bastard Johnson.
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