What's so funny 'bout peace, love and understanding?
By Prometheus
From Issue 58, Autumn 2002
Did you know that Big Ed once appeared on Stars
in their Eyes as Celine Dion? Or that I once appeared
on You've Been Framed sticking forks into my bare
bum? Or, how about, 'The Mancs don't have quite
the same grip on the media that they used to have'.
Only one of the above statements is true, and
I'll give you a clue - it isn't either of the
first two (sadly).
I first noticed it during the summer when the
press started to say things about Roy Keane that
we’ve said for years. His conduct in Saipan
was condemned by all but the most obsessed sycophants.
Unusually, very few commentators tried to argue
his side of the Irish spat. How could they? It
was 22-1 and even when the players went the extra
mile and tried to keep the loner on board, their
brave attempts at mediation were rudely thrown
back in their faces and Keane went home.
Since then he has written a book (yeah - it took
me a while to get my head around that too!) and
the brown stuff really has hit the fan. His admission
that he deliberately 'did' Haaland came as a surprise
to some people. Yet anybody who has ever seen
Keane play or was aware of the bad feeling which
Keane had for Haaland (and pretty much everyone
else on the planet too) was left in no doubt that
this was a clear case of a score being settled
in the most cynical and visceral way. He knew
exactly what he was doing and waited until the
end of the game before exacting his vengeance
so that the dismissal which he knew was coming,
wouldn't affect the outcome of the game. What
I can't understand is why people (especially the
FA) had to wait for Keane to virtually write them
a letter before the penny dropped. As I write,
the FA have yet to deliberate on what, if any,
punishment they will dish out. I'm sure you will
understand why I will be surprised if it is anything
more than a verbal slap on the wrist.
That the Mancs have tried to evade his punishment
by timing his operation to tie in with a suspension
is out of order. At least the FA seem to be waiting
until he is fit again before they slap on a lengthy
ban. This isn't a vendetta against Keane. This
is merely a plea from a supporter who thinks that
football matches should be decided by skill, flair,
tactics and commitment - WITHIN the rules of the
game. Players who show as much contempt for the
rules of the game as Keane has repeatedly done
deserve neither respect or tolerance. If the FA
allowed him to manipulate his way out of any punishment
at all, it would have outraged every right minded
supporter in the game.
Speaking of the FA, it is interesting to analyse
what has been said. Keane is on trial not for
doing what he did but for saying that he did it.
Sorry, am I missing something here? Yes, I know
Keane got a ban for his original sending off but
given his latest admission, that ban must now
be seen to have been quite inadequate? If the
FA are as determined as they say they are to improve
discipline on the pitch, then they must start
with players like Keane and Vieira - serial thugs
who have more scores to settle than Beethoven.
To hear Keane repeatedly described as 'great'
in the press sickens me. It’s also an insult
to those players who truly were great - players
like Charlton, Callaghan or Moore. Great footballers
who played within the rules. Keane is a cheat
and a bully and the sooner he retires from the
game the better.
Sunday 25th August - BBC1. 'There's Only One Man
Utd': a programme to celebrate the centenary of
the club. The Sunday Times previewed it thus:
"The title should at least give comfort to
the fans of every other team in the British Isles.
All of this for a handful of decent players, a
couple of good managers and a few trophies in
the distant past". Yes!!! Now, I remind you
that the Sunday Times is part of News International
and connected to Sly Sports who once tried to
BUY the Mancs, then you see just how far things
have gone. The tide really does seem to have turned
against them. When the PFA yes-man Taylor is obliged
to condemn Keane over his feud with Haaland, then
you know they are running out of friends.
Then on the last day of August, they went to the
Stadium of Light and Roy was off again, this time
settling scores with McAteer and Quinn. He knew
exactly what he was doing and waited until the
end of the game before exacting his vengeance
so that the dismissal which he knew was coming,
wouldn't affect the outcome of the game. Hang
on - sounds familiar.…..He's a brave lad,
Keane, isn't he - picking on poor 'Head and Shoulders'
Jason. Trigger went up in my estimation though
when he had the last laugh, flourishing an invisible
pen and mouthing 'Put that in your book...' Oscar
Wilde would have been proud of you mate.
Jason added insult to injury by declaring to the
press that he would rather spend his money on
a Bob the Builder tape for his three year old
son than waste it on Keane's book. Understandable
really; Bob the Builder is going to be written
to a much higher standard and will contain a lot
less @#$! than Keane's book.
Fergie's post match interview was worth a chapter
on it's own. "I’m disappointed by McAteer's
part in this. He went down like he had been shot
in the back of the head. Roy put his hand across
the boy's face but there's nothing in it. I will
review it and see whether we should appeal. My
gut feeling is that it was a very soft red card".
Wow. Where to start? But let's just
deconstruct that little tantrum. "Roy's disappointed
with Jason's part in it". Not "Roy's
disappointed that he's blown a fuse. Again".
They always get to blame somebody else, don't
they? It's not like McAteer butted Keane's elbow
or anything. "McAteer went down like he had
been shot in the back of the head". Well,
very few players are able to take an elbow in
the face when running at full speed and manage
to remain upright. "Roy put his hand across
the boy's face but there's nothing in it".
What? There's nothing (like a stanley knife?)
in his hand? Nobody said there was. It was his
elbow that did the damage you bastard, and you
insult me if you think you can tell me that I
don't know what I saw.
"I will review it and see whether we should
appeal". This is a beauty really, because
it conveys the impression that Siralex is the
one who will have the final say in this matter.
I will review the tape - such arrogance - and
no other opinion will matter. It's as if he knows
he can go to the FA and tell them how they should
deal with it - he will be the sole arbiter in
this matter. Surely not? "My gut feeling
is that it was a very soft red card". This
is great because it contradicts all that has gone
before and concedes (in the snidiest, most cowardly
way) that perhaps the red card was valid after
all. There are no degrees of red card - the offence
was either a sending off offence or it wasn't.
And as everybody knows, if you deliberately elbow
somebody in the face, you're off.
The rest of football is sick to death of this
team. Their arrogance, their cheating, the way
the rules are bent for them and 'accommodations'
reached. We just want to see them subject to the
same rules as everybody else and where offenders
like Keane show no sign of mending their ways,
then you keep upping the punishment until the
penny drops.
I'll be honest with you and say that I was never
comfortable with our own illustrious hard men
like Smith or Suness. They made crucial contributions
to our cause but I never supported or condoned
their conduct when they operated outside of the
rules. It pleases me greatly that none of our
existing squad have this tendency towards violence
and if Stevie G settles down, then he will become
great rather than just 'grate' when his enthusiasm
oversteps the mark. This is Liverpool, where standards
are just a little bit higher.
It was good to hear the great Elvis Costello's
pronouncements on the Lee Bowyer affair when he
played the 'summer pops' concert at the dock.
"This was nearly the end of a forty year
love affair……there’s no way
we should EVER have been linked with that bastard".
Couldn't have put it better myself. Violent thugs
are not welcome at this club and the manager's
stock fell sharply by even showing an interest
in Bowyer.
It's not risen much since - has it? Our performances
so far have suggested that we are in for another
good season but that we lack the steel to go all
the way. To my mind, the biggest problem is the
size of the squad. It was apparent before a competitive
ball had been kicked in anger. The need to give
all 7,000 members of your squad a game reduces
the point of playing friendlies because it means
that nobody is getting to play full matches. And
why give games to players like Diomede and Heggem
when we all know they are nowhere near the first
eleven?
More worrying still is that sub-standard players
like Xavier, Smicer and Traore are considered
to be first team material. They clearly aren't
good enough - everybody you speak to can see it
- so let's stop wasting time and points by playing
them. To date we have thrown away leads against
Blackburn, Newcastle and Birmingham because our
full backs are hopeless. This is having an unsettling
effect on Hyypia and Henchoz's games because they
are distracted from their own duties, having one
eye on where the full backs are and what they
are doing.
Traore gave the ball away so much against Blackburn
that I hoped somebody would tell him we were playing
in Red. Xavier against Newcastle was hopeless.
Even against Bolton we almost contrived to throw
it away and only Heskey stood between us and our
determination to settle for a draw. Poor Steven
Wright must have been gutted if he thought that
he couldn't get a game ahead of Xavier. No wonder
he got off. Markus, please get yourself fit as
a matter of urgency before we see another season
wasted before it has begun. Elsewhere, anybody
who understands the appeal of Smicer - answers
on a postcard etc etc. He is to skilful, attacking
football what Tracey Emin is to art.
The last edition of TTW&R read a bit like
a school report for Emile Heskey. The theme of
"tries hard but to little effect" seemed
to keep recurring. I've been a fan of Heskey's
since he was a youngster at Leicester. I was thrilled
when we signed him and felt vindicated when he
started banging in the goals as soon as he got
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